


those summer nights seem long ago

by xinteng



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, a small piece of baekxing, brief mentions of krislutao, exo-m angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 14:43:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17102531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinteng/pseuds/xinteng
Summary: The last time he saw Yixing had been more than a few weeks ago- he had left hurriedly after one of their schedules, rushed goodbyes called out before he was whisked away on a plane to film something in China. He had stood in the back, waited for Yixing’s eyes to meet his, for him to give him that small, dimpled smile that meant he knew Jongdae was there, that Jongdae was waiting for him, that Jongdae was hisbest friend, but their eyes never met. And Jongdae’s goodbye gets caught in his throat, and he is silent as Yixing leaves.





	those summer nights seem long ago

**Author's Note:**

> this is in reference to the great xingdae schism of 2015-2016.

He didn’t mean for this to happen.

And honestly- it’s not his fault, Jongdae thinks. It’s _duizhang’s_ , and Lu-ge’s, and Tao’s, for breaking apart their family, for ruining his trust, for-

For making him doubt Yixing.

It’s not his fault, he knows, but he can’t stop replaying the moment in his head when Tao tells them he’s leaving, tear tracks staining his cheeks and eyes puffy from lack of sleep and misery. He can’t stop feeling that emptiness that resides in his chest, the hole left by three people he had considered brothers, one half of what used to be Exo-M. It’s not his fault that Jongdae doesn’t trust Yixing anymore.

 

 

❈

 

 

1668 kilometers away, Yixing is lying on his hotel bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He can’t sleep- it’s not unusual for him, though his whole body is screaming for rest, muscles tired and aching, his mind won’t stop running, and ironically enough, he thinks it’s the silence that won’t let him sleep, the fact that he’s alone in his room, and he can hear nothing but the rushing of blood in his ears, and if he concentrates hard enough, the beating of his heart.

He shifts, restless.

Inhales, exhales, and stares up at the ceiling some more before sitting up, bones and tendons popping and stretching in protest. He shuffles over to the desk, sets up his computer, and stares at the songwriting program that immediately pops up, a half-finished track already open from last night.

He scans through the list of tracks he’s made, eyes pausing briefly on “Promise”, and a dull ache spreads through his chest at the reminder of who, exactly, helped him with that song.  

He closes his laptop and goes back to bed.

 

 

❈

 

 

The last time he saw Yixing had been more than a few weeks ago- he had left hurriedly after one of their schedules, rushed goodbyes called out before he was whisked away on a plane to film something in China. He had stood in the back, waited for Yixing’s eyes to meet his, for him to give him that small, dimpled smile that meant he knew Jongdae was there, that Jongdae was waiting for him, that Jongdae was his _best friend_ , but their eyes never met. And Jongdae’s goodbye gets caught in his throat, and he is silent as Yixing leaves.

 

 

❈

 

 

It’s Junmyeon who informs them about Yixing’s solo activities in China. And Jongdae feels betrayed. For multiple reasons, the first being that Yixing had told Junmyeon before he had told him. The second, that Yixing was leaving them at all. And fine, Jongdae understood that it wasn’t his fault, that SM was trying to promote Yixing more in China after the departure of the rest of the Chinese members, but still. Despite how much he tells himself that he has no right to be angry, the fact remains that he is. And that makes him feel worse- how selfish it is, of him, to be angry when Yixing is the one who has to leave, when Yixing is the one who has to be alone. It only makes him angrier.

They’re supposed to stick together, he thinks. Exo-M, him and Yixing and Minseok, they’re supposed to stick together now, more than ever. Because they’re all that’s left. And now Yixing is leaving too, and how is Jongdae ever supposed to be okay with that?

These doubts swirl round and round in his mind, in the weeks of Yixing’s absence.

 

 

❈

 

 

Yixing feels guilty.

No part of him had _wanted_ to leave his brothers, to leave _Jongdae_ , and it hurts, pricks at his conscience, because he can tell that the other members are scared. Scared of him leaving, too.

Yixing is torn.

He respects Lu-ge and _duizhang_ and Tao’s decisions to leave, understands, even, why they had to, but part of him is resentful of the mess their departure has created, furious with the turmoil that they have left in their wake. He’s upset that the members no longer trust him, that they physically withdraw from him, don’t talk to him unless he is the one who initiates conversations. He’s apologized, over, and over, and over, because it’s all he can do, and he feels helpless, because nothing he says will ever be enough for them to understand.

He wonders how something he loves this much can keep taking, and taking, and taking from him. He wonders how long he can keep afloat.

This feeling festers inside him, and he hates it.

 

 

❈

 

 

They fight, the day Yixing comes home from China.

Jongdae had refused to even greet him, as the elder had walked through the door, carrying several bags of little gifts for the members and staff, and he knows it’s petty, but this ugly feeling inside of his chest won’t go away and it’s crushing him and-

He pushes it down. He ignores Yixing.

He ignores the way Yixing’s scuffed up Converse shoes stop in front of him, a colorful gift bag dangling just in his reach, the slender fingers curled up in the handles, attached to a pale arm and body and a face that he knows will be softly smiling at him, perhaps a little awkward and hesitant, but still. Fond.

He takes the proffered gift but refuses to look Yixing in the eye. Because he doesn’t care.

 _You don’t care_ , he repeats to himself. He leaves, and doesn’t bother thinking about the way Yixing’s expression must have faltered, before smoothing over with that fake smile he has gotten so good at making.

 

 

❈

 

 

It hurts, watching the members pull away from him like he has a disease. He had hoped, rather naively, he knows, that everything would be back to normal the moment he was back in Korea, like he could step through the door and Baekhyun and Sehun would cling to him and ask him questions about his last few weeks in China and Jongin would ask him to go practice the new choreography and Junmyeon would give him a brief hug and ask him how he was feeling. Sure, they exchange cordialities, the members ask about his health and exclaim over his presents- small things, little things that he had picked up that had reminded him of them- but it’s not the same. There’s an underlying tension there that had never been there before, and it makes him uncomfortable, burrows its way under his skin and whispers ugly thoughts to him.

He’s tired, and he doesn’t know what to do, and Yixing hates not having a purpose, of not having a plan, so it frustrates him. He tries to mend things with Jongdae, passing him a present personally, but it miserably backfires as the younger simply takes it and walks out of the room, not bothering to even look him in the eye.

It’s awkward after that.

Mumbling an excuse about sleep, Yixing heads upstairs and pauses when he remembers that he and Jongdae share a room. He doesn’t think he can handle rejection twice in one night, and he doesn’t want to bother any of the other members, so instead, he brings all of his stuff to the dance room at the end of the hall and tries his best to make a little bed for himself out of the clothes and jackets he brought back with him.

Curling up and shivering slightly- the wooden floor is cold and the heating doesn’t work in the dance room- he tries to sleep.

 

 

❈

 

 

The others are up before he is, the next morning. Jongdae’s not a heavy sleeper by any means, and so the sound of their voices filtering in through the door rouse him as he sits up and rubs his bleary eyes. He pauses as he looks over at the bed across the room from his- it’s untouched, still perfectly made, and he wonders if last night even happened at all, if it was all just a bad dream.

He’s about to enter the kitchen when he hears Junmyeon and Minseok mumbling quietly to someone else. A quiet response lets him know that it’s Yixing, and Jongdae sighs internally as he banishes the hope that last night hadn’t occurred. “You could’ve slept in my room, Xing,” Junmyeon says, and Jongdae wonders where exactly Yixing had slept last night, if not in their room. “The dance room is too cold, you’re going to get sick, and with that injury-” he continues, the rest of the words lost as Yixing denies them and firmly says he’s fine, that it’s okay.

Unwillingly, Jongdae feels guilt creep up his spine. He doesn’t want to talk to Yixing, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.

He cares. Too much.

Slowly, he forces his feet forward into the kitchen, pretending that he hasn’t heard anything. “Morning hyung,” he greets, slipping past Minseok and Junmyeon and heading towards the fridge. He doesn’t turn towards Yixing.

“Sleep well?” Minseok asks, more out of habit than anything, and Jongdae nods. He feels Yixing’s eyes on the back of his neck, and Jongdae makes the mistake of turning to look back at Minseok to give him a small smile.

In the light of day, it’s clear just how much weight Yixing has lost in the last few weeks, and how little he has slept. Yixing has always been fair skinned, but now he seems almost translucent, bones protruding where there should be muscle, and blue-green veins stark against his wrists. Guilt, and perhaps a little bit of anger, fester inside Jongdae’s stomach. He’s not hungry anymore.

Words slip out of his mouth before he can stop them. “You look awful,” he says. “You need to take better care of yourself.”

Yixing stares at him, surprised, before remembering to reply. “I’m fine,” he says, and it’s the casual way he dismisses Jongdae’s concerns and his stubborn lack of self-care that really make Jongdae’s blood boil.

“Stop saying that,” he snaps. “You’re not fine. Stop pretending you’re fine when you’re not.”

“What do you care?” Yixing returns, and the room is silent.  

Junmyeon and Minseok have edged towards them now, ready to jump in at a moment’s notice, but Jongdae barely notices, his anger focused towards the man- no, the _boy_ , who stands a mere five feet away from him.

“Do you not know? You don’t know how much we care? Sehun is in his room every day, trying to learn Chinese so he can surprise you every time we call, Baekhyun doesn’t sleep enough because he’s calling you every other night, Jongin misses his dance partner, and you’re off in a different country making your own music and doing events without _us_.” Jongdae is breathing hard by the end of his rant, and if the other members weren’t awake before, they definitely are now. “Maybe you should leave too, like the rest of _them_ ,” he finally says, and it’s very clear to everyone who, exactly, Jongdae means.

Yixing is silent.

After a moment that feels like it stretches on forever, he speaks, his voice low, and it carries an edge of hurt that Jongdae has never heard from him before. “I love our band. And if you think that I’ll ever leave you guys, you’re wrong. Because we’re a family. And I’m sorry, and I can and I will keep apologizing, but this isn’t something that I can control. I’m trying my best, and I’ll work harder.” He pauses, and it seems like he has something else to add, but he changes his mind. “I’m going to go practice,” he says, and no one stops him as he rushes out of the room.

Jongdae doesn’t see him again for another three weeks.

 

 

❈

 

 

Things get progressively worse- Jongdae purposefully ignores him at all turns now, even onstage where he pulls other members to stand in between them, keeps a blank face during Yixing’s mentions, pretends he doesn’t notice the other boy crying during “Promise” or when he slips out of bed in the middle of the night to throw up in the bathroom. It makes his heart ache, but he steels himself against it, draws away from Yixing because he thinks that if he can’t control Yixing leaving, at least he can control how much Yixing hurts him. And this is the only way he knows how.

 

 

❈

 

 

It’s Jongdae’s birthday today, he realizes, as he stares blankly at the lit screen of his phone display, scrolling past congratulatory messages sent from the other members into their group chat. He types out a quick text to him, adds a few emojis he finds cute, and sends his own wishes as well. Somehow, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough.

He’s still hurt by the words they exchanged to each other- _maybe you should leave too_ , echoes through his mind- but Yixing has always been a selfless person, and he knows that it’s been hard on the members, on Jongdae, for him to be gone for so long. He’s sorry that he’s made the members doubt his loyalty. And so even though he knows that Jongdae doesn’t have any form of social media, he posts a picture of the two of them on his Instagram, taken way back when they were filming commercials for Lotte. “Happy birthday Chen Chen,” he types. And then pauses, before adding another sentence. “I am always sorry, and forever grateful.”

He presses share before he can change his mind.

 

 

❈

 

 

It’s at the Sing For You showcase where Yixing finally breaks down. It’s his turn to speak, to give a quick introduction, and he starts off fine, simply confessing that 2015 had been a hard year too, personally because he’s been traveling so much and trying to balance all his activities in China with the rest of Exo. He’s endlessly apologetic, to both the fans and to the other members, and it’s the way that the fans sympathize, reassuring him, that makes the tears start to well up in his eyes.

He doesn’t want to cry- doesn’t want the others to see his tears, see his exhaustion, and so he quickly turns around, slouches in his chair and tries to continue talking. He feels Jongin patting his back next to him and sees Junmyeon and Chanyeol on the big screen watching him with concern, and his voice wobbles, because Jongin is younger than him, and he should be the one taking care of his dongsaeng, but instead, it’s Jongin taking care of his hyung. It makes him feel horrible, and even guiltier. Junmyeon gets up from his seat, eventually, and rubs Yixing’s back, huddling close to him, and Yixing decides he can’t continue, not like this, and so he quickly gets up and runs off stage to collect himself, hand pressed against his mouth in a vain attempt to keep the tears in.

A manager passes him some tissues and water, and Yixing takes them as he keeps walking, trying to find a bathroom so he can be alone. “Lay hyung has been busy in China,” he hears Baekhyun say, trying to salvage the mood that Yixing has ruined, “and so he hasn’t had much time with the members; he doesn’t have to feel sorry for that, but because Lay hyung is a person with a soft heart…” his words fade away as Yixing walks farther away from the stage.

If there is anything positive about Yixing spending most of his time in China now, it is this: his friendship with Baekhyun has strengthened, as the younger has continuously supported him, even sending Yixing a thoughtful message on his own birthday, asking how he was doing and telling him not to give up. He had given Yixing his own “fearless” bracelet before he left, telling him that he needed it more now, and that he could wear it and remember that the members would support him. Yixing knows what that bracelet means to Baekhyun, and what it means, now, that Baekhyun has chosen to give it to him.

The thought of it only makes his heart shatter a little more.

 

 

❈

 

 

There’s a day when the rest of the members finally snap. “You can’t keep doing this,” Junmyeon tells him sternly. “Go talk to him.”

It’s been awhile since Jongdae has seen Junmyeon this serious. It reminds him of their trainee days, when Exo-M and Exo-K would gather in the living room after every concert or event and they would all discuss what needed to be improved, what the problems were, in order to show their best side to the public.   

They haven’t had one of those meetings in a very long time. “He’s trying,” Junmyeon is still talking, Jongdae realizes. “And we have our tour coming up, and the comeback, so whatever it is that you still have against him, you need to talk it out. The rest of us have made our peace, and it’s time for you to do so too.”

Jongdae nods. “Okay,” he says verbally, when Junmyeon doesn’t move, watching him expectantly. “I’ll talk to him.”

 

 

❈

 

 

Slowly, things start getting better. Their emotions aren’t running nearly as high as they were months before, and the two of them are able to sit down and talk through their feelings, and their hurt, and their worries. Sure, they’re both stubborn, but neither of them like ambiguity, and it’s that mindset that allows them to talk freely to each other.

Yixing reassures him that he won’t leave, that he’ll always be here for Jongdae and the other members. It’s stuff that Jongdae knows, deep inside, but still. It’s nice to hear it from Yixing again. Jongdae, in turn, apologizes for the words he had said months ago, bowing his head in shame. He makes sure Yixing knows that he doesn’t actually want him to leave. Yixing nods. He knows.

Yixing doesn’t apologize for working on his solo career though. Because it’s not something he regrets- he shouldn’t have to apologize for his dreams. He tells Jongdae this. He knows. How many hours have the two of them spent, locked in their room, making demo after demo? How many nights have the two of them spent, whispering to each other about their dreams and goals? It’s not something that Jongdae will ever forget.

Slowly, they come back together again. Slowly, they heal.

**Author's Note:**

> if you haven't seen them before, [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/72-mb7OTGW/) is the instagram post that yixing made for jongdae's birthday, and [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTBkKqTDyAs&t=145s) is the video where yixing cries during the sing for you showcase (his mention starts at about 2:20). 
> 
> this is my take on the great mystery of the xingdae schism of 2015, and how it was very noticeable the way jongdae and yixing weren't nearly as close as they were before. but the good news is, they seem to be back and better than ever, what with jongdae's mention of yixing last year at mma, and yixing's mention of exo at his own award show in china (and all the times since, especially in his american interviews). 
> 
> this is unedited, and will probably stay that way for a little while, because writing this was emotionally draining and i'll need some time before i can come back and fix any problems.
> 
> come talk to me!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/staryxz)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/yixingzhang)  
> [tumblr](https://dimpledliar.tumblr.com)


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